Our family just returned from 10 days in the wilderness. With our 9 and 11 year olds, my husband and I hiked over 40 miles, shared one small tent, told stories, sang songs, and pressed the reset button for our family. Musings on Resilience-Informed-Parenting through the lens of a summer vacation.
“What in your life gives you the space you need to reflect on the abundance around you? In what ways can you allow yourself to be nourished by what you have rather than focus on what is missing?”
-Dr. Arielle Schwartz
The most challenging time of our family summer vacation was the day we were set to leave. We had it all planned (or so we thought). My husband would take an early morning bike ride (which he did), I would catch one last yoga class (which I did), we would pack up the car and head out on the road by 11:00 am. Simple, right? Not so simple. The camping gear was piled in the living room, my husband was taking care of last minute details, there were emails and return calls to attend to, that article I was writing needed a final edit, and I had to get the house cleaned up sufficiently for our absence. The to-do list was taking over. My husband and I were arguing, the kids were fighting, and my daughter ended up crying in her room. I didn’t have time for this!
I went into my daughter’s room and tried to explain how I was doing all of this so that we could spend time together and then I had the “a-ha” moment. I realized that our frantic attempt to get out the door removed us from the very goal we were aiming towards, time to be together and really connect. I stopped, slowed myself down (that was the point of the morning yoga, wasn’t it?). I took my daughter onto my lap and listened to her experience. We connected and laughed over how painfully silly it was to have us be so “busy” just so we could have some family time. In the end the house was clean enough, the to-do list was done enough, and while we didn’t get on the road until 4:00 pm we had achieved connection.
The next morning we began the first of our hiking expeditions. Sometimes my son was so tired, he couldn’t walk another step. Then it was my daughter. At first we pushed them onward. The more we pushed the greater resistance. The insight from the day before could be applied on the trail. “No-goal” hiking became our approach to pressing the reset button on the goal oriented, fast paced, future-focused life we tend to get caught up in. When anyone of us needed a break we found a shady spot and sat down. We snacked, told stories, played games. When we were ready to move again we moved. We still arrived at phenomenal destinations…majestic mountain valleys, spectacular waterfalls, we still covered over 40 miles of trails, and we stayed connected throughout the journey.
We did a lot of storytelling on our hikes. One of the stories, quite serendipitously, was told by my son about a foolish pig that passes by opportunities for friendship and wealth on his quest to meet the wisest of all animals so that he can learn how to have friendship and wealth. Poor pig gets eaten by the wolf in the end. Isn’t that the challenge? To pause, reflect on the abundance around us, and to allow ourselves to be nourished by what we have rather than focus on what is lacking, or to be eaten alive by our own hunger for more.
Mid-way through the trip we stopped at some roadside hot-springs. As I was soaking in the hot-springs next to the roaring river “it” happened. I felt as if my whole body relaxed. There was absolutely nothing I needed to change in that moment. My daughter snuggled into me, nuzzling close. I told her I had found my “happy place.” She said she knew. She could feel that I was fully available, and I was. Throughout the rest of the trip that was our phrase to identify when anyone of us was “there”, fully receiving the beauty of the world around us and equally able to extend that peace outwards.
Parenting is not easy, especially amidst the challenges of balancing the demands of work, maintaining a household, and staying connected to your partner. Add to the mix the compulsive draw to screens (ipads, phones, computers, T.V.). In my experience, staying connected, available, and nourished amidst the stress of daily life requires conscious intention each day. Here are some of the tools I have found helpful as a way to take resilience into your parenting and family life:
If this post has inspired you I would love to hear from you. How do you reset your connection with your child or family? How do you find acceptance for your difficult parenting moments. What do you aspire towards and who has modeled these traits?
Further reading:
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offers trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole. She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy. Like Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook, follow her on Linkedin and sign up for email updates to stay up to date with all her posts.
Arielle Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist, internationally sought-out teacher, yoga instructor, and leading voice in the healing of PTSD and complex trauma. She is the author of five books, including The Complex PTSD Workbook, EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology, and The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook.
Dr. Schwartz is an accomplished teacher who guides therapists in the application of EMDR, somatic psychology, parts work therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions for the treatment of trauma and complex PTSD. She guides you through a personal journey of healing in her Sounds True audio program, Trauma Recovery.
She has a depth of understanding, passion, kindness, compassion, joy, and a succinct way of speaking about very complex topics. She is the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy in Boulder, Colorado where she maintains a private practice providing psychotherapy, supervision, and consultation. Dr. Schwartz believes that that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
