Shame is a wound of not belonging. It leaves you feeling like an exile; a stranger in a strange land. Shame might come as a result of feeling different or not understood in your family. Shame is also connected to childhood abuse or neglect (You can read my blog on Shame in Complex PTSD here). Or, perhaps you were excluded, belittled, or bullied in school due to social or cultural differences. An important key to healing from shame is recognizing that inside of your embarrassment, sense of failure, or experience of rejection lies your undeniably legitimate human needs.
Most importantly, shame does not happen in a vacuum. This wound occurs in interpersonal and environmental contexts. Therefore, healing needs to occur not only within the self, but also within a social context. We all need to feel connected to others. We need to know that we are not alone in this the imperfect journey of being human.
“When we feel heard and welcomed by another, we have the opportunity to reclaim a sense of belonging. This foundation of being seen and understood helps each one of us become more of who we are meant to be. Through this process of belonging and becoming we take one important step closer toward healing from shame and reclaiming our wholeness.”
–Dr. Arielle Schwartz
According to emotions researchers Sylvan Tompkins and Donald Nathanson, the emotion of shame occurs as a result of the thwarting of positive emotions; or an experience of rejection when we reach out for connection. Like when a child expresses excitement to a parent who responds with disinterest, shame occurs when our joy goes unmatched, when our gifts are not received, or when we take a risk and experience failure.
Shame is an interpersonal emotion and shows up as embarrassment, humiliation, and shyness. Shame causes us to blush, look away, hide our face, and collapse our posture. It is an act of turning away from something deeply desired.
Shame is certainly connected to overt experiences of childhood abuse or neglect. However, shame is also the result of an accumulation of small and subtle rejections of your authentic self-expression.
Of note, Tompkins and Nathanson suggest that shame has an evolutionary purpose. This emotion holds the remnants of our unextinguished longings.
If we stop reaching out to others we reduce our risk of shame. However, the story cannot end there. We must not give up.
In his book, Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of Self (1992), Nathanson offers a four-quadrant model of understanding the ways that feelings of shame can show up. This diagram is based upon two polarities represented by the vertical and horizontal lines. The vertical dimension represents how we relate to shame itself. On one extreme we respond with withdrawal and isolation. In this case, we abandon any hope of finding satisfaction of our needs through resignation. At the other end of this continuum, we respond with the compensatory strategy of avoidance. Here we reject the notion that we cannot get our needs met, and displace our needs by seeking satisfaction through alcohol, drugs, sex, or food.
When our genuine needs for connection are thwarted, it is common to feel angry. In a healthy relationship, our anger is recognized and received as part of a repair process that can ultimately deepens our authentic relating. However, when our healthy anger is further rejected, then we tend to act out in unhealthy ways. This polarity is represented by the horizontal line in the compass of shame diagram. Our aggression may manifest as an attack on self in the form of self-harm or self-criticism. Or, aggression can be directed as an attack on other in the form of blaming and lashing out.
When left unhealed, shame can lead to a wide range of symptoms including depression, addictions, low self-esteem, perfectionism, and interpersonal problems. Healing from shame involves finding ways to meet our legitimate underlying needs in a healthy, satisfactory manner.
The experience of shame is universal. We can all relate to this emotion. We all must seek to find healthy ways to meet our needs for connection, love, excitement, and joy. Here, I offer 3 practices to assist you with healing from shame:
In his essay on Shame, Ostrofsky (2003), suggests that the positive lesson of shame is humility. This allows us to look honestly at our own reliance on defenses against shame and to approach ourselves and others with greater compassion. We learn to offer loving kindness to our feelings of humiliation and embarrassment without the need to run away, attack ourselves, or attack others. There is a true gift that comes from fully seeing or being seen by another. When we look at each other with unconditional acceptance we invite each other to come out of hiding. Yes, being witnessed can feel vulnerable and can touch off feelings of shame. It may be risky, but you are worth it!
Through the end of December 2018, you can order the EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology book directly from W. W. Norton at a 20% discount with free shipping. The coupon code is EMDRSP18 — Click here to order.
The Complex PTSD Workbook, is available on Amazon! Click here to purchase.
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offers trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole (Althea press, 2016) and co-author of EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology: Interventions to Enhance Embodiment in Trauma Treatment (Norton, 2018). She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy. Like Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook, follow her on Linkedin and sign up for email updates to stay up to date with all her posts.
Arielle Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist, internationally sought-out teacher, yoga instructor, and leading voice in the healing of PTSD and complex trauma. She is the author of five books, including The Complex PTSD Workbook, EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology, and The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook.
Dr. Schwartz is an accomplished teacher who guides therapists in the application of EMDR, somatic psychology, parts work therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions for the treatment of trauma and complex PTSD. She guides you through a personal journey of healing in her Sounds True audio program, Trauma Recovery.
She has a depth of understanding, passion, kindness, compassion, joy, and a succinct way of speaking about very complex topics. She is the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy in Boulder, Colorado where she maintains a private practice providing psychotherapy, supervision, and consultation. Dr. Schwartz believes that that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
