It is easy to get caught up in negative thinking, misinterpreting our emotions, cut off from our intuition; all of which can lead to painful consequences. As a clinical psychologist, I am an enthusiastic supporter of emotional intelligence. This post focuses on building your emotional intelligence as a skillset that helps you:
“This post breaks down the biological underpinnings involved with emotion and perception. Learn five strategies to building your emotional intelligence…”
-Dr. Schwartz
Imagine you arrive at a party. You were invited by a new friend; and you think there is potential for this friendship to develop into something more. You’re just not sure if the feelings are mutual. As you enter the party you scan the room and to your surprise you see your friend deeply engaged in what appears to be an intimate conversation. You feel your heartbeat quicken and the blood drain from your face. Your mind speeds up. Are you seeing things correctly? Maybe you completely misread the connection. Should you go over and say hello? Is there anyone else you can talk to? Maybe you should leave; your friend hasn’t seen you yet. You feel confused, sad, and jealous. What do you do?
Let’s break down this complex chain of events. It is best to think of our emotions of as combination of three forces: our nervous system, our endocrine system, and our environment. What our senses take in facilitate reactions; some of which we are aware of and some of which occur without conscious reflection. Within the brain, we have very small structures (e.g. amygdala, hippocampus) that scan our environment to detect emotional nuances in facial expressions and body language. We draw upon memories as reference points and infer meaning about our current situation based upon these previous experiences. According to the work of Candace Pert, the nervous and endocrine systems send a downpour of neurochemicals and hormones that combine to create feelings that facilitate changes throughout the entire body. We have thoughts and perceptions based upon these internal reactions that collectively inform our behaviors.
You remember that time that you were hurt by your ex who cheated on you and decide it is not worth taking the risk again. You turn to leave but before you have a chance to escape the room unnoticed your friend looks up and calls you over. Reluctantly you walk over but you are quickly introduced to a long-time friend who has heard all about you and was looking forward to meeting you. You take a sigh of relief and smile feeling a little embarrassed but relieved.
What if you had left? This is just one of the potential pitfalls that can result from misinterpreting our emotions. When we jump too quickly to conclusions or don’t pause for reflection it is actually quite easy and common to make decisions based upon our reactions rather than rooted in reality. Sometimes this leads to painful losses that could have otherwise been avoided. When emotions overwhelm us we can feel flooded and have a hard time effectively thinking our way through any situation. Daniel Goleman refers to this process as “Emotional Hijacking” in which we behave based on impulse rather than reflective choice.
Over-reactive responses sit on one end of the emotions continuum whereas a lack of attention to our emotional world can also leave us feeling lost. Most of us long for a close connection with ourselves and others. However, when we are fearful or intolerant of emotions we tend to feel cut off, like something is missing, or as if we are just going through the motions. Emotions help give us purpose, meaning and the experience of being alive. You know you are having an emotion because of the sensations you have in your body. The butterflies in your stomach, lump in your throat, beating of your heart, and the warmth in your face feel. And notably, according to Antonio Damasio we need to feel in order to have successful relationships, have empathy, and make effective decisions.
Understanding the steps and skills that build your emotional intelligence can help you avoid unnecessary losses:
Further reading:
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offers trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole. She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy. Like Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook, follow her on Linkedin and sign up for email updates to stay up to date with all her posts.
Arielle Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist, internationally sought-out teacher, yoga instructor, and leading voice in the healing of PTSD and complex trauma. She is the author of five books, including The Complex PTSD Workbook, EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology, and The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook.
Dr. Schwartz is an accomplished teacher who guides therapists in the application of EMDR, somatic psychology, parts work therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions for the treatment of trauma and complex PTSD. She guides you through a personal journey of healing in her Sounds True audio program, Trauma Recovery.
She has a depth of understanding, passion, kindness, compassion, joy, and a succinct way of speaking about very complex topics. She is the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy in Boulder, Colorado where she maintains a private practice providing psychotherapy, supervision, and consultation. Dr. Schwartz believes that that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
