At some point in our lives all have had to or will have to confront the loss of a loved one. When facing the death of a loved one we can feel disoriented, uprooted, and isolated. Sometimes, the loss doesn’t feel real, we feel lost in the dark, or we feel as though the grief will never end. This post shares a very personal loss and offers tools for coping with bereavement.
“My husband and I were married less than a year. We had plans. I was applying for my doctorate in clinical psychology and we were talking about the timing of our first child. Then tragic loss changed everything. The call came in the middle of the night. A helicopter had gone down during a routine mission and my husband’s brother (a military pilot) was aboard…”
-Dr. Arielle Schwartz
My husband and I were married less than a year. We had plans. I was applying for my doctorate in clinical psychology and we were talking about the timing of our first child. Then tragic loss changed everything. The call came in the middle of the night. A helicopter had gone down during a routine mission and my husband’s brother (a military pilot) was aboard.
There were no immediate answers for several days. Waiting involved packing and coordinating a flight in the early morning, shock that ran cold through my body, and an exhausting day gathering with family members trying to make sense of all that happened.
Then the news…all ten men died in the crash on February 22nd, 2002 at 2:03 in the morning. No survivors. As if in a dream I went through the memorial with my husband who lost his brother, my mother-in-law who lost her son, and my in-laws. The last time I had seen all of these people we were celebrating at our wedding only nine-months earlier.
What becomes of our well-formed plans? Do they make sense anymore? My husband and I turned towards each other after his brother’s death and consciously decided to delay trying to get pregnant. “Let’s grieve first and then grow our family” we said. However, life had other plans. Three months later I was pregnant. Pregnancy and grief are a strange combination.
My disorientation continued when we were told that my first child’s due date was the anniversary of my brother-in-law’s death.
Overwhelm. Fear. Excitement. The feelings were fast, complex, confusing; and I was sicker than I’d ever felt in my life for nearly the entire pregnancy. One day I was so sick that I felt like a wild animal. I couched in the corner of a backyard, my body rejecting any food. Coping with loss involved seeking help.
I couldn’t sort through these feelings on my own. I told my story again and again to those who would listen. I returned to therapy. My body was my teacher. If I avoided my grief I was sicker. To get relief from the debilitating physical distress I turned towards the emotional pain. Both became more manageable.
I painted and wrote. Overtime life started to make sense again. I found new strength and an awakened sense of my own presence and purpose. I decided to proceed with my plans to get my doctoral degree. I took life day by day.
Indeed, I did go into labor on the one year anniversary of my brother-in-law’s death but my daughter arrived early the next morning. Her birth moment was February 23rd, 2003 at 3:02. She had her own day, a new day.
Resilience psychology is about a mindset that allows you to adapt and even grow in response to loss and painful or traumatic life events. Research on resilience shows us the behaviors and beliefs that are associated with greatest adaptation and provides a road-map that guides and assists with the process. Integration of resilience strategies allows you to:
When you are confronted with grief in your life, consider the following as stepping stones that you can take each day:
If you are struggling with grief and loss, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help. In the Boulder area, The Grief Support Network offers community meetings that offer a safe venue to begin moving from isolated grieving to supported healing.
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offers trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy. Like Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook or sign up for email updates to stay up to date with all my posts.
Arielle Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist, internationally sought-out teacher, yoga instructor, and leading voice in the healing of PTSD and complex trauma. She is the author of five books, including The Complex PTSD Workbook, EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology, and The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook.
Dr. Schwartz is an accomplished teacher who guides therapists in the application of EMDR, somatic psychology, parts work therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions for the treatment of trauma and complex PTSD. She guides you through a personal journey of healing in her Sounds True audio program, Trauma Recovery.
She has a depth of understanding, passion, kindness, compassion, joy, and a succinct way of speaking about very complex topics. She is the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy in Boulder, Colorado where she maintains a private practice providing psychotherapy, supervision, and consultation. Dr. Schwartz believes that that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
