We want to trust our children’s capacity to handle life’s difficulties and swe do not want to over-protect them. If we, as parents, jump in too quickly to solve problems for our children we may hinder their ability to develop their own problem solving skills. As children learn how to solve problems, they develop their capacity to be creative and realize they have an impact in their world. The world we live in is not always safe and kind and we need to have confidence that our children can ultimately handle this imperfect world.
However, when children have faced an overwhelming life event they often need help processing what they have seen and how they feel. When a child faces stressors or challenges, we do not want to over-estimate their ability to handle it on their own. The consequence of not supporting children to process traumatic events may be a loss of creative, intellectual, or social potential.
“Ideally, we give children the right amount of independence and challenge balanced with sufficient support and safety.”
-Dr. Arielle Schwartz
Resilience is our ability to adapt well in the face of adversity; it means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences. As a strength-based psychologist, I apply research on resilience to my work with children and families. Caring adults raise resilient children by assisting them to make sense of their lives and feel more capable within their social, emotional, and cognitive development.
As parents, compassionate support systems help us access our resiliency so that we can help our children develop their resilience. Resilient children are nurtured by caring adults who can help them actively express their experience.
Being with a child who is struggling leads most parents to feel angry or scared. Especially when:
Sometimes we react or shut down our children because of our fears and uncomfortable emotions. To want to push our children away or run away from our children is a normal and biologically driven response when we are afraid. However, I invite you to view your child’s “curve balls” as a call to engage your child, to look beneath the behavior, and to connect to their inner world.
Knowing that you sometimes experience anger when you are vulnerable and afraid can help you reflectively turn towards your child’s difficult behaviors that arise out of their vulnerabilities and fears.
For parents, resilience allows us to respond creatively to the challenges inherent in raising our children. Parents need support through compassionate relationships with partners, other parents, and when necessary, therapists, to help us explore the deeper themes of reactions to children and how this may be connected to the past. Being a resilient parent
means:
On an airplane, they will always tell the adults to put their oxygen mask on first – then help your child to put theirs on. The same is true with resilience: When adults feel supported they are better able to support their children.
As human beings we can all get “stuck” sometimes. There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help whether it is for yourself or your child. Resilience informed therapy recognizes that when parents and children feel safe and supported you are able to access your creativity, strength, and capacity to handle life’s challenges.
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist, wife, and mother in Boulder, CO. She offers trainings for therapists, maintains a private practice, and has passions for the outdoors, yoga, and writing. Dr. Schwartz is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole. She is the developer of Resilience-Informed Therapy which applies research on trauma recovery to form a strength-based, trauma treatment model that includes Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), somatic (body-centered) psychology and time-tested relational psychotherapy. Like Dr. Arielle Schwartz on Facebook, follow her on Linkedin and sign up for email updates to stay up to date with all her posts.
Arielle Schwartz, PhD, is a psychologist, internationally sought-out teacher, yoga instructor, and leading voice in the healing of PTSD and complex trauma. She is the author of five books, including The Complex PTSD Workbook, EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology, and The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook.
Dr. Schwartz is an accomplished teacher who guides therapists in the application of EMDR, somatic psychology, parts work therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions for the treatment of trauma and complex PTSD. She guides you through a personal journey of healing in her Sounds True audio program, Trauma Recovery.
She has a depth of understanding, passion, kindness, compassion, joy, and a succinct way of speaking about very complex topics. She is the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy in Boulder, Colorado where she maintains a private practice providing psychotherapy, supervision, and consultation. Dr. Schwartz believes that that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
